Thyself

Last week I talked about self-expression, today let’s talk about the self.

A couple weeks ago, a very close friend wanted to get together for a chat. I had only one word for them: “Absolutely”.

As we sat down in my living room, the conversation took an unexpected turn. I thought he wanted to discuss his situation or get my opinion on something, but instead it was about me. Yeah and not in a “You have been amazing” kind of way, which we all naturally like. But it was rather the opposite.

Actually no, not literally the opposite but more, “Do you realise such and such?”

It was one of those lightbulb moments. What a blessing!

Could have I disagreed with him? Absolutely. Could have I changed the way my friend perceived his reality? Absolutely not. So, acknowledging his feedback was the only constructive way forward.

More often than not, acknowledging feedback is the most constructive path, even if (or, particularly, we should say) as it hurts.

It is hard to hear that we don’t appear, sound or look as we would like or think about ourselves. 

But, it is enlightening to hear what others think of us. Not in a mean way (this category of non-helpful people will always be there) but in a constructive way: “I am saying that because I love you brother” kind of way.

Part of the challenge here is also not to lose yourself in what others think of you, without you standing up for yourself, but instead appreciating this gift to unveil your blind spots. It’s about balance.

Professionally this has happened a couple times too and has changed a lot of things for me. I hope those sorts of events have also happened to you. I am sure they have in their own way.

The first big one I recall was after a “360° survey”. You know those surveys where you ask people around you (from peers to managers or people you manage and family) for their feedback. The results were not as I anticipated.

Actually do we ever properly anticipate this sort of thing?

In a recent survey, 33% of the managers interviewed thought they were in top 5% of performers. In another, 94% of college professors interviewed thought that they were above average (reminder 50% is the average!). Do you recall the movie The Sixth Sense? (SPOILER ALERT) Haley Joel Osment explains to Bruce Willis that he sees dead people all the time but Bruce Willis doesn’t realise that he is dead until the end of the movie. Very often we don’t see the obvious surrounding us. 

The second time I received some strong feedback in a performance review based on one single piece half-reported. This feedback spiralled up without me knowing and after many Chinese whispers management drew a picture that was far from the reality (in my opinion). At first, I fought it but I soon realised that this wouldn’t do any good: “You see exactly what we said!” It felt like I couldn’t defend myself. So, I turned it around, confronted it, spoke with the people, sought a mentor, played it by the book and sure thing a couple months after I received extremely positive review. “I am impressed how you turned things around,” an MD told me. 

To this day I still don’t think the feedback was fair and fully justified, but accepting and using it to see things differently, to learn, to face it and to demonstrate my capacity to grow proved far more productive and rewarding than fighting windmills like Don Quichotte! 

We are all on a journey my friend, a journey of growth and self-discovery. The more you discover and the more you are willing to be vulnerable the stronger you become as you show yourself as your really are to the world.

Back in my living room, my friend who “had never done this” felt relieved by the way I took it. It took him much courage and a lot of time to think about how best to approach the conversation. It is not only hard to received feedback, but equally to give it. This is for good reason, so if you love the person, don’t hold it in, just be constructive.

QUESTIONS…

What are the "things" (behaviours, triggers, tone of voice, vocabulary, beliefs, etc) about yourself that you might not know that you don’t know? How can you find about them?